Straight Bananas

by Tommy Mackay

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1.
I've seen a lesbian kiwi fruit Got a bisexual pomegranate to boot But I've never seen a straight banana. Well, I've been to the end of the street and back And I own six albums by Shakatak But I've never seen a straight banana I've had a closeted kumquat, gay gooseberries and what not, But I've never seen a straight banana I've known legumes both right and proper Heard fruity language from a bent copper But I've never seen a straight banana My plums are bi curious My mouldy peaches furious But I've never seen a straight banana My passion fruit has lost its ardour Tomatoes are twixt fridge and larder But I've never seen a straight banana
2.
Sadiq Khan 02:27
3.
Fratricide 03:39
I believe in fratricide I rest my case, don't cast aside You better believe it I'm Ruth Davidson Take it or leave it, resign to it Fratricide, fratricide Fratricide, fratricide Theresa May is by my side So what I say is irrelevant You better believe it I'm Ruth Davidson Take it or leave it, resign to it Fratricide, fratricide Fratricide, fratricide You tried to tell me it's my fault because I'm rude By letting loose this fratricide on Holyrood I'll take your number I'll write it down What's your address I'll write it down I'll be in touch so don't leave town in a big black car Fratricide, fratricide Fratricide, fratricide Fratricide, fratricide Fratricide, fratricide
4.
My baby is tied to a timebomb My terrorist tied to a tree My baby is tied to a timebomb O bring back my baby to me Lee Hurst, Lee Hurst You've got an hour to meet his demands Lee Hurst, Lee Hurst His website is written in comic sans ooh where's me waterboard?
5.
Crowds 01:18
Inauguration, protest march What's the difference? Here's a chart I've got some figures, do the maths And sprinkle fairy dust Rows and flows of golden showers Snowflakes, papier mache flowers Mash potatos like Trump Towers, I've looked at crowds that way. I've looked at crowds from both sides now From up & down and still somehow It's crowds' illusions I recall I really don't know crowds at all
6.
Appease Me 01:54
Last night I said these words to Donny I hope you're wearin a rubber johnny C'mon, c'mon c'mon c'mon Appease me oh yeah And I'll appease you I hope you like the quaich I brought ye It's better than a Tamagotchi C'mon, c'mon c'mon c'mon Appease me oh yeah And I'll appease you I see you've banned the muslims and don't mention Jerusalem either And now there's a petition Please accept my contrition oh do I do love you ooh ooh These people are just all malingerers They're jealous of your hair and fingers C'mon, c'mon c'mon c'mon Appease me oh yeah And I'll appease you
7.
Nightphubbing I'm nightphubbing I'm what's happening Nightphubbing I'm nightphubbing I'm a text machine I tweet peepee to Meryl Streepy It's something to see When I'm nightphubbing Golden shower clubbing Oh isn't it wild? Nightphubbing I'm nightphubbing I'm taking a crap Nightphubbing I'm nightphubbing .... I have tantrums, I call then Trumptons Robert de Niro look out Cos I'm nightphubbing Fight! nightphubbing Oh isn't it wild... Nightphubbin' across the universe, On the Starship USA - it's just gonna get worse. Nightphubbin' across the universe, There's no going forward, 'cause I'm stuck in reverse. There's snowflakes on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow; there's snowflakes on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Don. It's news, Don, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it; it's news, Don, but not as we know it, not as we know it, fake! Ah! We come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to kill; we come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, men. Yer climate change is phony physics, phony physics, phony physics; Yer climate change is phony physics, phony physics, Don.
8.
He's a man with a klan Chapati tae yer heid ya bam He's Mistra President He's a fud, a fandan He's the cheesy wotsit Hitler man He's Mistra President You can piss on his bed Or shit in his laundry basket instead He's Mistra Pissident Must be seen Making plans He's the dumbest one with the smallest hands He's Mistra President Surely he cannot last two terms One day he will be food for worms But when they feast on his remains They'll be hard pushed to find his brains oh oh Any place He will play His only concern is how much you'll pay He's Mistra President If he shakes On a bet He's the kind of dude that won't pay his debt He's Mistra President When you say that he's living wrong He'll tell you he knows he's livin' right And you'd be a stronger man if you took Mistra President's advice oh oh He's a man with a ban Got a crush on his daughter and a tan He's Mistra President What a jerk Please beware Of a man that just don't give a care no He's Mistra President (Look out he's coming) He's a fright Woven hairs He's even scared of walking downstairs He's Mistra President Theresa May led the way Cos you can't even take baby steps - fucksake He's Mistra President Playin' hard Talkin' fast Makin' sure that he will be the last He's Mistra President Makes a deal With a frown Somewhere a circus is missing a clown He's Mistra President If we had less of him Don't you know we'd have a better land He's Mistra President So give a hand to the man Because he needs an extension He's Mistra President
9.
Long distance information give me Michael Heseltine We have a situation where my dog's not feeling fine Alsatian Strangulation is the human way To put him out his misery and send him on his way I know the Tory party kill the poor with a smile I watched Margaret Thatcher suffocate a crocodile But if it's canine choking, Tarzan is your man He has got the cheese wire and he's got a cunning plan
10.
I got a wobbly rocket and I'm firing from Faslane I got a wobbly rocket and I'm gonna be renewed again I give good warhead, but I've got a lousy aim And now the finger on the trigger is Trump amd May I got a wobbly rocket - it's strident and upscaled I got a wobbly rocket - it's tried and tested. Failed The rocket's worth a packet, what a fucking mare It disnae work but no-one fucking cares I got a wobbly rocket I got a wobbly rocket
11.
Delete, delete, delete - my ears are ringing I tried to be discreet but failed The basket of deplorables are winning Half my tweets are being jailed I think I'm being witty but I shite it My diplomatic skills are Strictly wank I can't help getting over-excited I prefer a buffalo or tank Oh what can you do When you've had a few You feel like Oscar Wilde Oh Ruth, Ruth, Ruth You can't handle the truth You have to appease her Motherfucking Theresa Delete, delete, delete!
12.
Closer 01:14
It's closer than it's ever been And now it's even closer And now it's even closer And now it's even closer It's closer than it's ever been And now it's even closer And now it's closer still Time is marching on And time is still marching on It's likelier than it ever was And now it is more likely And now it is more likely And now it is more likely It's likelier than it's ever been And now it is more likely And now it's likelier Indy Ref 2
13.
No To Joy 00:46
So farewell United Kingdom You have left us with no choice Pushed the Bill through - no amendments Clearly Scotland has no voice The real fight starts now, so says Corbyn Handing Theresa a blank cheque Rolling over like a puppy with a jackboot on his neck
14.
Queue, queue for the E.U. That's what they said we'll have to do But now we know it just isn't true No need to queue for the E.U. Andrew, I am the news (He is the news!) He's got a bad case of the unionist blues He doesn't know the difference between a list and a queue Andre Neil - I am the news Oh Andrew, Andrew, I am the news Like Freddie Flintstone in a pair of tartan trews Andrew, Andrew, I am the news Yabadabadabdabadoo
15.
My sister in law's ex husband's nephew, we love you My sister in law's ex husband's nephew, we do Though you may be far away We think of you There's no one quite like my sister in law's ex husband's nephew I know you will agree That he always is a friend to you And he's a friend to me There's no one quite like my sister in law's ex husband's nephew He's at Pembroke College Cambridge I've sent him £20 in a birthday card I hope he doesn't burn it in front of a homeless
16.
You'd think that people would have had enough of silly nob gags I look around me and I see it isn't so Some people want to fill the world with silly nob gags And what's wrong with that? I'd like to know 'Cause here I go again A penis, a penis The greatest gift I possess Love doesn't come in a minute Sometimes it doesn't come at all I only know that there's a limit To what happiness can come between us and it won't stand up in court
17.
I flew into space With Ant and Dec and Chevvy Chase I was in a film with Ross from Friends I am the Queen at the weekends I'm Paul Nuttall, compulsive liar My trousers, pants, socks And vest are on fire I'm related to Rabbie Burns And Danny Dyer And I wrote The Wire I had a golden shower from Austin and Stephanie Powers I was King of Mexico Thor, god of thunder, willed it so I'm Paul Nuttall, compulsive liar My trousers, pants, socks And vest are on fire I'm related to Rabbie Burns And Danny Dyer And I wrote The Wire I saved the life Of Mr Spock and his wife I am made of bionic parts And world champion of Darts I had a secret affair with the Nolan Sisters Invented Windows NT, XP and Vista I was with Chaka Demus and Pliers In the Viennese Choir I taught Alistair Carmichael everything he knows I built an extension to Pinnochio's nose I know Gordon Burns, George Alagiah And Barry Cryer I gave Prometheus The gift of fire The gift of fire
18.
Uranium 03:31
Reality stars directing our fate and we're praying it's not too late Uranium Raving psychosis and whispering kittens Bright orange coupon and Mexican mittens You all know what uranium is Nuclear weapons and other bad things Bad dudes and hombres and soft British poodles Nuclear passwords in Sean Spicer doodles Wild tweets that fly with fire on their wings These are a few of my favourite things Girls in white dresses and fluffy new fascists Snowflakes that flutter their pussies and lashes Sparkling teeth and fine tuned machines These are a few of my favourite things CNN's shite BBC's pish Overrated. Sad I'm simple remember and, er, other things And everyone else is bad
19.
There's a good old Scottish custom that has stood the test o'time, It's a custom that's been carried out in every land and clime. When ever there's some weather, it's aye the usual thing, Just before it hits our shores, we fill our cups and sing... Chorus Just a wee storm called Doris, just a wee storm, that's all. It couldnae even blow away a blowaway fitba. There's a trampoline that's sittin by a wee but an ben. That says, "I survived Hurricane Bawbag." Did ye, aye? Right, then. I wish I was a prog rocker with powder up my nose I'd write a concept album called When The Bawbag Blows I'd turn it into an opera and sail it round the world I wouldnae let a bit of wind stop it being unfurled
20.
If the wind is blowing, and it's usually blowing here Never ending or it's pishing doon just like in King Lear Or it's snowing on the mountains, on the ptarmigans and wildcats Ptarmigan is a song by The Clash - everyone knows that It goes 'Ptarmigan', but that's beside the point The thing is nature lovers think these windfarms are unkind Cos they're bird-chopping eco crucifixes of your mind!

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released February 28, 2017

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Tommy Mackay Edinburgh, UK

Scottish comedy performer and editor of The Daily Reckless - the paper that sings the news.

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