Birdwatching For Punks

by Tommy Mackay

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1.
Ptarmigan 00:50
Ptarmigan - looks like a grouse, lives on the hills Ptarmigan - looks like Paul McCartney, walks like Heather Mills If you ever see one, best beware They'll peck at your sporran and shit in your hair And shout 'Ya fanny - you're gonnae get it!'
2.
The curlew and the oyster catcher The curlew and the oyster catcher Went to sea The curlew and the oyster catcher The curlew and the oyster catcher Went to sea The oyster catcher's orange feet And the curlew's curly beak That's what does it for me They're the masters of the sea The curlew and the oyster catcher The curlew and the oyster catcher Went to sea The curlew and the oyster catcher The curlew and the oyster catcher Went to sea
3.
20 30 40 50 sparrows to go I wanna see a great tit Not a doo or a crow I wanna see a great tit So get me to Bill Oddie and put me on a show I'll do it from Kirkcaldy or even Linlithgow I can't control my finches or my pigeon toes Oh oh oh oh oh oh
4.
Things are looking grim when you see a seagull Swallow a magpie They'll eat anything and regurgitate again Swallow magpie Oh, they'll nick your chips and cheese And wash it down with mushy peas And swallow magpies Oh yeah Swallow magpies
5.
Jilted Swan 01:08
I've been going out with a bird, her name is July But last night she said to me when we were catching fruit flies This is what she said She said, 'Listen swan, I love you, But there's this duck I fancy I don't want to two time you So it's the end for me and you.' Who's this duck? I asked her. Donald she replied Not that puffin I said dismayed Yes, but he's no puffin she cried. He's more of a swan than you'll ever be. Here we go coo, ee, caw
6.
You stole my natural lotions You make me feed on worms and that hurts But I know the perfect potion I know how to take away all the hurt Ever covered a dove with Savlon Ever covered a dove A dove with Savlon Ever covered a dove A dove with Savlon or cotton wool and a bandage
7.
(by Tom Short) I put some bread oot fir the wee birds ti eat I fought the craw and the craw won I fought the craw and the craw won My cats wouldni chase them - they're too feart I fought the craw and the craw won I fought the craw and the craw won I tried to get the bastards by chuckin' some stanes But they just laughed at me They circled richt ower and shat richt doon Till I was up to ma knees Thur beaks wid poke oot both yer eyes They're gigantic these days I've seen them lift up wee guys An kerry them away Noo they're sittin in their trees, waitin fir me I fought the craw an the craw won I fought the craw an the claw won I make a dash fir the car but they're too quick fir me I fought the craw an the craw won
8.
Sparrow 01:41
Sparrow, sparrow, sparrow, sparrow, sparrow, sparrow, sparrow My heart's with the sparrow His heart's with the sparrow My heart's with the sparrow His heart's with the sparrow Everybody used to say You don't see them now But they've come back in a big way They're beautiful and brown Chorus In your hedge or on your fence They're having a laugh Flying round your allotment Singing like Edith Piaf Chorus
9.
Thrush 03:02
Thrush, you'll pick it up, if you're unlucky Thrush, don't pick it up, don't throw your love away Thrush, go pick it up, if it hasn't flown away And please don't you ask me if I can sing If you don't know if it's a song Or a mistle Thrush, you'll pick it up, if you're unlucky Thrush, don't pick it up, don't throw your love away Thrush, go pick it up, if it hasn't flown away And please don't you ask me if I can sing If you don't know if it's a song Or a mistle Thrush, you'll pick it up, if you're unlucky Thrush, don't pick it up, don't throw your love away Thrush, go pick it up, if it hasn't flown away And please don't you ask me if I can sing Cos I don't know if I can Drink the long draught, Dan I am your biggest fan I really mean it, maaaaan I have a cunning plan Wham bam bam bam bam Let's have another dram Ah how do you call your loverbird? Thrush, you'll pick it up, if you're unlucky Thrush, don't pick it up, don't throw your love away Thrush, go pick it up, if it hasn't flown away Thrush, you'll pick it up, if you're unlucky Thrush, don't pick it up, don't throw your love away Thrush, go pick it up, if it hasn't flown away Thrush, you'll pick it up, if you're unlucky Oh thrush, wow, wow, my sweet baby, wow, wow Oh, oh, thrush, wow, wow, you're the one Thrussssssh, ... Thrussssssh, ...
10.
I'll be your Wile E. Cayote I'll spend a fortune in ACME I will catch that roadrunner I'll paint a tunnel on a wall Lay seeds and watch him peck And swing down and grab his neck My rope is very long What could possibly go wrong? Meep meep meep - I CAN afford a cannon Meep meep meep - and a giant cannonball Meep meep meep - a massive bow and arrow Meep meep meep - and a giant catapult He goes meep meep meep
11.
Tiny Gulls 02:12
Well, the day begins You don’t want to live Cos the seagulls scream i In the street outside And you know they’ve been Screaming half the night Then they make a noise Like a manic laugh And you look out on the window sill And you only see just a tiny gull And it starts to sing. So you turn around Toward the tiny gulls Who have got no tricks Who have got no past Yea that’s what you think And you hope they’ll sing But they sing of greed Like a young banshee And they want for this And they wants for that What did you think
12.
E.M.U. 01:13
There's a limited supply It's a shame they cannot fly Only in Australia Here, they'd be a failure Who? EMU EMU EMU Theyre a limited edition There's a limited supply No-one knows the reason They are not allowed to fly EMU EMU EMU Goodbye kangaroo

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released June 28, 2019

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Tommy Mackay Edinburgh, UK

Scottish comedy performer and editor of The Daily Reckless - the paper that sings the news.

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