Bam Glam

by Tommy Mackay

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1.
What can we do with Jeremy Corbyn? Please can we all just ignore him? He is just a bleeding thorn in Our side, don't encourage him John McTernan says you're unelectable That boy's too hot to handle We need another scandal You're just a bunch of morons Who needs these grassroots? Come on John McTernan says you're unelectable Hooray - here's a crisis All these new members are twice as Bad as anything from ISIS My professional advice is Give me a crossbow
2.
Lady Mone - tacky, tacky Lady Mone She's got a sumptuous apartment overlooking the Tower Bridge When she's all alone she only has to open up the door of her fridge For the spotlight In the moonlight And she's alright For a bold knight In shining armour She's an entrepreneur Lady Mone - tacky, tacky Lady Mone You can marvel at the vision of the River Thames from her balcony And relax on comfy cushions on the luxury of her settee Lady money oney oney Little pony in the House of Lords You're a little legislator And a hater of the swarms and the hordes She's selected Unelected And protected Unaffected and unsensational She's inspirational (Treacherous Scants Merchant copyright Eddie Cassidy. Drinks owed.)
3.
This here's the story of Moody Greg Some people say he's not right in the head His legions of fans look to him for the news They come for the toons and stay for the abuse He's in The National and Bella Caledonia His jokes are irrational, I tell ya he's phonier Than a salesman who tells ya snake oil gives you wings Over Scotland you can hear all the people say Jings It's Moo oo oo oo oo oo oo oody Greg Cutting out Cameron, Osborne and Clegg It's Moo oo oo oo oo oo oo oody Greg Give Macdougall a tuba and Murphy an egg. And when a politician dies you can bet Here come the trolls For Moody Greg
4.
Mascot 02:43
If you support Partick Thistle And you go to their games You won't hear the whistle For the screaming of weans Mascot David Shrigley knows Mascot Scares you down to your toes It is artistic genius Or pantomime farce Firhill men are from Venus And their mascot from Mars
5.
How do you do I'm the Duke of Buccleuch Descended from Montagu And Walter Scott, don't you know? I've got so much land I don't know what to do With all this time on my hands I can afford some demands Scotland is my front lawn Just because I've been born Into privilege -I'm not torn Whadda you want? Land reform Duke duke duke of Buccleuch oo oo Watcha gonna do the noo? I was voted Great Scot of 2014 What do you mean you think that's obscene? I promote the cultural and natural heritage scene The National Trust say that I should come first I've even got Madonna of the Yardwinder Primogeniture porn Whadda you want? Land reform Duke duke duke of Buccleuch oo oo Watcha gonna do the noo? Back off Buccleuch Back off Buccleuch Back off Buccleuch Back off Duke of Buccleuch
6.
If at first you don't succeed (Lie, lie and lie again) This is my official creed (Lie, lie and lie again) Call it ambition, call it greed (Lie, lie and lie again) If you prick me I'm the prick that bleeds (Lie, lie and lie again) Malcolm the Bruce You've cooked your goose Spider, spider spinning lies (Lie, lie and lie again) I'm a wreck of arachnid, I'm a wreck alright (Lie, lie and lie again) Back in your cave You look like Ernie Wise Above an open grave With your scary stary eyes
7.
You've probably never even heard of me Michael White's Moustache But I've been patronising Lesley Riddoch on TV Michael White's Moustache I'm defending ALL the liars, but it's really not fair Michael White's Moustache All you notice is my farcical facial hair Michael White's Moustache Michael White's Moustache It's a right stramash And it's a real car crash Is it on the lash? Michael White's Moustache You probably think this song's about your politics Michael White's tache, Michael White's tache But I can't take my eyes off your upper lip Michael White's tache, Michael White's tache I tried to focus on the words spilling out your face Michael White's tache, Michael White's tache But I cannae take you seriously for fuck sake Michael White's tache, Michael White's tache
8.
If you're the kinda person with hollow legs And you cannae get enough pastry from Greggs Then why oh why oh why Have they banished the macaroni pie? Give us it back Give us it back I wanna lukewarm pasta For my heart attack why oh why oh why Save our macaroni pie The people of Scotland - do you wanna offend em? Is it retribution for the referendum? You can keep your sausage rolls and your steak bake guys You can take our freedom but you'll never take our pies why oh why oh why Save our macaroni pie It might not be a delicacy down south But it delicactely melts in my mouth Gony gony no Take our macaroni no - hey Gony gony no Take our macaroni no -hey why oh why oh why Save our macaroni pie
9.
I live in the Houses of Parliament I like prostitutes and Charlie and I am the Lizard of Osborne The Lizard of Osborne Hissing from my lair in the south With a silver spoon in my mouth I am the Lizard of Osborne The Lizard of Osborne Oh Gideon, Gideon, Gideon, Gideon, Gideon, Gideon Giddy on ching Lord Sewel's got nothing on me I am the king of austerity I am the Lizard of Osborne The Lizard of Osborne Hatched from a Faberge egge I am the chancer of the ex check I am the Lizard of Osborne The Lizard of Osborne Oh Gideon, Gideon, Gideon, Gideon, Gideon, Gideon Giddy on ching Gideon, bang yer gums Gideon
10.
I want to relieve my stress (Fist pumping with IDS) Oh Gideon, Gideon, yes, yes, yes! (Fist pumping with IDS) Let's get fiscal, let's undress (Fist pumping with IDS) I wanna lick your Eton Mess (Fist pumping with IDS) I - I Love me D - Don't you see? S - S-s-s-s-so sexy Everybody pump your fist Do the hand jive with your wrist Never been loved? Never been kissed? The world of Iain Duncan Smith Politics is just like chess (Fist pumping with IDS) You think ahead, you think what's best (Fist pumping with IDS) And sex up your manifest - oh (Fist pumping with IDS) Fuck the poor, I couldn't care less (Fist pumping with IDS) So here's to you Nick Robinson You are Iain Duncan Smith's lovechild Wild, wild, wild God bless the beeb's correspondent He's supposed to be impartial - yeah That'll be right I'll take yer dosh, I'll take yer kidneys And throw your weans back up the chimneys
11.
Go better yourself Go better yourself Send a letter to the editor and wet yerself Go better yourself Go better yourself Not me baby I'm too precious go fetter yerself Eat yerself better Beat yerself fitter Tweet yerself twitter witter,witter,witter,witter Aspirate Fumigate It's not too late No wait, wait, wait. It is. Hardworking, aspirational, Motivational Guff, guff Waddya mean go better yerself You better yerself You better, you better, you get You can get brainier You can get get richer Or get insania None of which'll Make you better yerself Go better yourself Send a letter to the editor and wet yerself Go better yourself Go better yourself Not me baby I'm too precious go fetter yerself Go better yourself Go better yourself Or medicate your better amphetamine self Go better yourself Go better yourself Met her on a Monday and I ketamineself kssh kssh Go Better together yerself
12.
She was the talk of the Fringe Because she wiggled her minge in a post ironic way Now her mum has disowned her And she's in a coma Because of that play Which was highly explicit Even Alan Bisset said it was too much Her parents watched it in horror Now their only daughter Has literally lost touch Throw me in the sex bin Kathy Lick is my sex name Daddy was a lesbian Oh oh oh oh She got 5 stars in 3 Weeks For holding her cheeks open to the gallery But she caught a bad draught And nobody laughed They thought it was provocative and free
13.
I'm a Containable Bam I'm Post Capitalism I drive a Peugeot 206 Cos it's good for politics You can't fool the children of the devolution We're gonna have our sexy socialism revolution Despite The Mail and The Mirror and The Record and The Sun The Times and the Telegraph and The Scotsman You can't fool the children of the devolution I'm a Containable Bam I'm going on the randan I read Alasdair Gray Cos it's good for my brain 1745 - the Jacobite Rebellion 1845 - Enlightenment 11 1945 - avoiding Armageddon 2045 - probably World War 7 No more tories No more nukes No more papers No more books Here's your future Here's the news No more glass cheques Of Irn Bru Cos school's out forever

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released July 26, 2016

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Tommy Mackay Edinburgh, UK

Scottish comedy performer and editor of The Daily Reckless - the paper that sings the news.

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