Bam Glam

by Tommy Mackay

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credits

released July 26, 2016

tags

tags: pop Edinburgh

license

all rights reserved

about

Tommy Mackay Edinburgh, UK

Scottish comedy performer and editor of The Daily Reckless - the paper that sings the news.

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Track Name: John McTernan Says (You're Unelectable)
What can we do with Jeremy Corbyn?
Please can we all just ignore him?
He is just a bleeding thorn in
Our side, don't encourage him

John McTernan says you're unelectable

That boy's too hot to handle
We need another scandal
You're just a bunch of morons
Who needs these grassroots?
Come on

John McTernan says you're unelectable

Hooray - here's a crisis
All these new members are twice as
Bad as anything from ISIS
My professional advice is
Give me a crossbow
Track Name: Lady Mone (Treacherous Scants Merchant)
Lady Mone - tacky, tacky
Lady Mone

She's got a sumptuous apartment overlooking the Tower Bridge
When she's all alone she only has to open up the door of her fridge
For the spotlight
In the moonlight
And she's alright
For a bold knight
In shining armour
She's an entrepreneur

Lady Mone - tacky, tacky
Lady Mone

You can marvel at the vision of the River Thames from her balcony
And relax on comfy cushions on the luxury of her settee

Lady money oney oney
Little pony in the House of Lords
You're a little legislator
And a hater of the swarms and the hordes

She's selected
Unelected
And protected
Unaffected and unsensational
She's inspirational

(Treacherous Scants Merchant copyright Eddie Cassidy. Drinks owed.)
Track Name: The Ballad Of Moody Greg
This here's the story of Moody Greg
Some people say he's not right in the head
His legions of fans look to him for the news
They come for the toons and stay for the abuse

He's in The National and Bella Caledonia
His jokes are irrational, I tell ya he's phonier
Than a salesman who tells ya snake oil gives you wings
Over Scotland you can hear all the people say Jings

It's Moo oo oo oo oo oo oo oody Greg
Cutting out Cameron, Osborne and Clegg
It's Moo oo oo oo oo oo oo oody Greg
Give Macdougall a tuba and Murphy an egg.

And when a politician dies you can bet
Here come the trolls
For Moody Greg
Track Name: Mascot
If you support Partick Thistle
And you go to their games
You won't hear the whistle
For the screaming of weans

Mascot
David Shrigley knows
Mascot
Scares you down to your toes

It is artistic genius
Or pantomime farce
Firhill men are from Venus
And their mascot from Mars
Track Name: Duke Of Buccleuch
How do you do
I'm the Duke of Buccleuch
Descended from Montagu
And Walter Scott, don't you know?
I've got so much land I don't know what to do
With all this time on my hands
I can afford some demands
Scotland is my front lawn
Just because I've been born
Into privilege -I'm not torn
Whadda you want?
Land reform

Duke duke duke of Buccleuch oo oo
Watcha gonna do the noo?

I was voted Great Scot of 2014
What do you mean you think that's obscene?
I promote the cultural and natural heritage scene
The National Trust say that I should come first
I've even got Madonna of the Yardwinder
Primogeniture porn
Whadda you want?
Land reform

Duke duke duke of Buccleuch oo oo
Watcha gonna do the noo?

Back off Buccleuch
Back off Buccleuch
Back off Buccleuch
Back off Duke of Buccleuch
Track Name: Malcolm The Bruce
If at first you don't succeed
(Lie, lie and lie again)
This is my official creed
(Lie, lie and lie again)
Call it ambition, call it greed
(Lie, lie and lie again)
If you prick me I'm the prick that bleeds
(Lie, lie and lie again)

Malcolm the Bruce
You've cooked your goose

Spider, spider spinning lies
(Lie, lie and lie again)
I'm a wreck of arachnid, I'm a wreck alright
(Lie, lie and lie again)

Back in your cave
You look like Ernie Wise
Above an open grave
With your scary stary eyes
Track Name: Michael White's Moustache
You've probably never even heard of me
Michael White's Moustache
But I've been patronising Lesley Riddoch on TV
Michael White's Moustache
I'm defending ALL the liars, but it's really not fair
Michael White's Moustache
All you notice is my farcical facial hair
Michael White's Moustache

Michael White's Moustache
It's a right stramash
And it's a real car crash
Is it on the lash?
Michael White's Moustache

You probably think this song's about your politics
Michael White's tache, Michael White's tache
But I can't take my eyes off your upper lip
Michael White's tache, Michael White's tache
I tried to focus on the words spilling out your face
Michael White's tache, Michael White's tache
But I cannae take you seriously for fuck sake
Michael White's tache, Michael White's tache
Track Name: Save Our Macaroni Pie
If you're the kinda person with hollow legs
And you cannae get enough pastry from Greggs
Then why oh why oh why
Have they banished the macaroni pie?

Give us it back
Give us it back
I wanna lukewarm pasta
For my heart attack

why oh why oh why
Save our macaroni pie

The people of Scotland - do you wanna offend em?
Is it retribution for the referendum?
You can keep your sausage rolls and your steak bake guys
You can take our freedom but you'll never take our pies

why oh why oh why
Save our macaroni pie

It might not be a delicacy down south
But it delicactely melts in my mouth
Gony gony no
Take our macaroni no - hey
Gony gony no
Take our macaroni no -hey

why oh why oh why
Save our macaroni pie
Track Name: The Lizard Of Osborne
I live in the Houses of Parliament
I like prostitutes and Charlie and
I am the Lizard of Osborne
The Lizard of Osborne

Hissing from my lair in the south
With a silver spoon in my mouth
I am the Lizard of Osborne
The Lizard of Osborne

Oh Gideon, Gideon, Gideon, Gideon, Gideon, Gideon
Giddy on ching

Lord Sewel's got nothing on me
I am the king of austerity
I am the Lizard of Osborne
The Lizard of Osborne

Hatched from a Faberge egge
I am the chancer of the ex check
I am the Lizard of Osborne
The Lizard of Osborne

Oh Gideon, Gideon, Gideon, Gideon, Gideon, Gideon
Giddy on ching

Gideon, bang yer gums
Gideon
Track Name: Fist Pumping With IDS
I want to relieve my stress
(Fist pumping with IDS)
Oh Gideon, Gideon, yes, yes, yes!
(Fist pumping with IDS)
Let's get fiscal, let's undress
(Fist pumping with IDS)
I wanna lick your Eton Mess
(Fist pumping with IDS)

I - I Love me
D - Don't you see?
S - S-s-s-s-so sexy

Everybody pump your fist
Do the hand jive with your wrist
Never been loved? Never been kissed?
The world of Iain Duncan Smith

Politics is just like chess
(Fist pumping with IDS)
You think ahead, you think what's best
(Fist pumping with IDS)
And sex up your manifest - oh
(Fist pumping with IDS)
Fuck the poor, I couldn't care less
(Fist pumping with IDS)

So here's to you Nick Robinson
You are Iain Duncan Smith's lovechild
Wild, wild, wild
God bless the beeb's correspondent
He's supposed to be impartial - yeah
That'll be right

I'll take yer dosh, I'll take yer kidneys
And throw your weans back up the chimneys
Track Name: Better Yourself
Go better yourself
Go better yourself
Send a letter to the editor and wet yerself

Go better yourself
Go better yourself
Not me baby I'm too precious go fetter yerself

Eat yerself better
Beat yerself fitter
Tweet yerself twitter
witter,witter,witter,witter

Aspirate
Fumigate
It's not too late
No wait, wait, wait. It is.

Hardworking, aspirational,
Motivational
Guff, guff

Waddya mean go better yerself
You better yerself
You better, you better, you get

You can get brainier
You can get get richer
Or get insania
None of which'll

Make you better yerself
Go better yourself
Send a letter to the editor and wet yerself

Go better yourself
Go better yourself
Not me baby I'm too precious go fetter yerself

Go better yourself
Go better yourself
Or medicate your better amphetamine self

Go better yourself
Go better yourself
Met her on a Monday and I ketamineself

kssh kssh

Go Better together yerself
Track Name: Throw Me In The Sex Bin
She was the talk of the Fringe
Because she wiggled her minge in a post ironic way
Now her mum has disowned her
And she's in a coma
Because of that play
Which was highly explicit
Even Alan Bisset said it was too much
Her parents watched it in horror
Now their only daughter
Has literally lost touch

Throw me in the sex bin
Kathy Lick is my sex name
Daddy was a lesbian
Oh oh oh oh

She got 5 stars in 3 Weeks
For holding her cheeks open to the gallery
But she caught a bad draught
And nobody laughed
They thought it was provocative and free
Track Name: Children Of The Devolution
I'm a Containable Bam
I'm Post Capitalism
I drive a Peugeot 206
Cos it's good for politics

You can't fool the children of the devolution
We're gonna have our sexy socialism revolution
Despite The Mail and The Mirror and The Record and The Sun
The Times and the Telegraph and The Scotsman
You can't fool the children of the devolution

I'm a Containable Bam
I'm going on the randan
I read Alasdair Gray
Cos it's good for my brain

1745 - the Jacobite Rebellion
1845 - Enlightenment 11
1945 - avoiding Armageddon
2045 - probably World War 7

No more tories
No more nukes
No more papers
No more books

Here's your future
Here's the news
No more glass cheques
Of Irn Bru
Cos school's out forever