1. |
Tony Parsons Cock
02:21
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If you're really jealous of a wage a woman's got
Then we can say that you've got Tony Parsons Cock
He really thinks that women find him clever and funny
He loves women as long as they don't make big money
Tony Parsons Cock
Tony Parsons Cock
He says his dad was working class quite a lot
Tony Parsons Cock
Tony Parsons Cock
He's smugger than a mockney cooking with a punk wok
There's really nothing nastier
Than opening up your 'Grazia'
And being hit by Tony Parsons' column
He's more gung ho than Churchill
Not as smart as Julie Burchill
His bollocks are uptight and looking solemn
Tony Parsons Cock
Tony Parsons Cock
He says his dad was working class quite a lot
Tony Parsons Cock
Tony Parsons Cock
His bollocks are uptight and solemn
Here comes Tony Parsons' column
We remember Julie Burchill
And that she truly virtually
Pissed all over you, ripped you apart
She should've finished off the job
And took a blade to your limp nob
And while she was down there, ripped out your heart
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2. |
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He's the music devil incarnate, a self-denying caveman
And now he's got a child. Oh great - is it called Damien?
It's an omen, it's an omen
And his chest hair has got nits
Roamin' in the gloamin'
Simon Cowell's bright red tits
Has he not punished us enough, do we still have to suffer?
Has he shagged the three billy goats gruff, the irritating duffer
In Timbuktu they hate him too
In Timperley and Tyndrum
Everybody has got Irritable Cowell Syndrome
Bigger than Simon & Garfunkel's Greatest Hits
Simon Cowell's bright red tits
He's got a Russian counterpart
He's gorgeous and enticing
He'd melt the hardest Russian heart
Quicker than some ricin
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3. |
P. Diddy's Party Pads
02:10
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I'm feeling sad
Cos I've seen the ads
For P Diddy's Pads
He just wanna party party
That's not so bad
But what's driving me mad
Is P Diddy's Party Pads
Sound like something sanitary
Diddy diddy diddy...
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4. |
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I was walking innocently down the Queen's highway
When I saw a box being thrown out a car windae
It was made of plastic and the writing on it said
'Property of Katie Price'
And a picture of The Little Mermaid
It does not get
It does not get much more worse than this
Slapped in the pus by Katie Price's lunchbox of piss
If you are caught short with no receptacle to hand
Spare a thought for Jordan and her overactive gland
It can not be easy when your bladder's fit to burst
And you have forgot to put the she-wee in your purse
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5. |
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I got a van of badgers
Cos they're going out of fashion
They're driving me bananas
I hope that I don't crash 'em
Times are really hard
Not particularly glamorous
I've gotta gas the wildlife
Or the taxman will hammer us
When I was a Gladiator life was never dull
Then I became a driver in a governmental cull
The animals of Farthing Wood
And Alistair Darling could
Not stop me (he looks like a badger, you see?)
I got the muscle
I got the looks
I got a girlfriend called Kelly Brook
I let go the wheel
There was a squeal
I got the badgers and the bus stop's here
Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out!
I felt so helpless what could I do? (Do do)
I should've taken them to Edinburgh Zoo.
(To see the pandas, zebras and the kangaroos)
The people just stopped and stared.
You would have thought I could have cared.
They'll never forget the Kelly Brooks' Badger Crash
Kelly Brook's Badger Crasher
Kelly Brook's Badger Crasher
Kelly Brook's Badger Crasher (Don't tell Brian May)
Kelly Brook's Badger Crasher (No, no, no, no, no way)
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6. |
Quaver Dogs
03:01
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I used to have a wad of cash
More than Nigel Havers
Now I smell of cheesy Daschund
Now I suck off dogs for Quavers
Who knew corn based snacks would be
Sexual canine currency
Sucking faster than Mo Farrah
Spaniel, poodle, Chihuaha
Oh Quaver dogs
Oh Quaver dogs
Ever since the credit crunch
Pugs get off on Monster Munch
Times are ruff, so's my jaws
Giving head to labradors
Collies, whippets, Afghan Hounds
Are trading crisps instead of pounds
Twiglets, Skips and Cheesy Puffs
I'm opening a stall at Crufts
I've got the stamina and patience
To take 101 dalmations
I get down on my knees and pray
A Great Dane doesn't come my way
Alsatians, corgis and Beagles
Greyhounds and golden retrievers
Dobermans, shih-tzus, mastiffs
Give me Frazzles for relief
I've even done an old rottweiler
I guess I could go to jail, I
took a wotsit off a schnauzer
Pulled a yorkie off my trousers
In return for a whole mitt full
got mini chips from a pit bull
But the best I ever done
was gagging on St Bernard's rum
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Tommy Mackay Edinburgh, UK
Scottish comedy performer and editor of The Daily Reckless - the paper that sings the news.
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