The Pithy Tweets Of Moran

by Tommy Mackay

  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.

      name your price




EP based on the tweets of Caitlin Moran.


released April 25, 2014


tags: pop Edinburgh


all rights reserved


Tommy Mackay Edinburgh, UK

Scottish comedy performer and editor of The Daily Reckless - the paper that sings the news.

contact / help

Contact Tommy Mackay

Streaming and
Download help

Shipping and returns

Track Name: Tony Parsons Cock
If you're really jealous of a wage a woman's got
Then we can say that you've got Tony Parsons Cock
He really thinks that women find him clever and funny
He loves women as long as they don't make big money

Tony Parsons Cock
Tony Parsons Cock
He says his dad was working class quite a lot
Tony Parsons Cock
Tony Parsons Cock
He's smugger than a mockney cooking with a punk wok

There's really nothing nastier
Than opening up your 'Grazia'
And being hit by Tony Parsons' column
He's more gung ho than Churchill
Not as smart as Julie Burchill
His bollocks are uptight and looking solemn

Tony Parsons Cock
Tony Parsons Cock
He says his dad was working class quite a lot
Tony Parsons Cock
Tony Parsons Cock
His bollocks are uptight and solemn
Here comes Tony Parsons' column

We remember Julie Burchill
And that she truly virtually
Pissed all over you, ripped you apart
She should've finished off the job
And took a blade to your limp nob
And while she was down there, ripped out your heart
Track Name: Simon Cowell's Bright Red Tits
He's the music devil incarnate, a self-denying caveman
And now he's got a child. Oh great - is it called Damien?

It's an omen, it's an omen
And his chest hair has got nits
Roamin' in the gloamin'
Simon Cowell's bright red tits

Has he not punished us enough, do we still have to suffer?
Has he shagged the three billy goats gruff, the irritating duffer
In Timbuktu they hate him too
In Timperley and Tyndrum
Everybody has got Irritable Cowell Syndrome

Bigger than Simon & Garfunkel's Greatest Hits
Simon Cowell's bright red tits

He's got a Russian counterpart
He's gorgeous and enticing
He'd melt the hardest Russian heart
Quicker than some ricin
Track Name: P. Diddy's Party Pads
I'm feeling sad
Cos I've seen the ads
For P Diddy's Pads
He just wanna party party

That's not so bad
But what's driving me mad
Is P Diddy's Party Pads
Sound like something sanitary

Diddy diddy diddy...
Track Name: Katie Price's Lunchbox Of Piss
I was walking innocently down the Queen's highway
When I saw a box being thrown out a car windae
It was made of plastic and the writing on it said
'Property of Katie Price'
And a picture of The Little Mermaid

It does not get
It does not get much more worse than this
Slapped in the pus by Katie Price's lunchbox of piss

If you are caught short with no receptacle to hand
Spare a thought for Jordan and her overactive gland
It can not be easy when your bladder's fit to burst
And you have forgot to put the she-wee in your purse
Track Name: Kelly Brook's Badger Crasher
I got a van of badgers
Cos they're going out of fashion
They're driving me bananas
I hope that I don't crash 'em

Times are really hard
Not particularly glamorous
I've gotta gas the wildlife
Or the taxman will hammer us

When I was a Gladiator life was never dull
Then I became a driver in a governmental cull
The animals of Farthing Wood
And Alistair Darling could
Not stop me (he looks like a badger, you see?)

I got the muscle
I got the looks
I got a girlfriend called Kelly Brook

I let go the wheel
There was a squeal
I got the badgers and the bus stop's here

Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out! Look out!

I felt so helpless what could I do? (Do do)
I should've taken them to Edinburgh Zoo.
(To see the pandas, zebras and the kangaroos)
The people just stopped and stared.
You would have thought I could have cared.
They'll never forget the Kelly Brooks' Badger Crash

Kelly Brook's Badger Crasher
Kelly Brook's Badger Crasher
Kelly Brook's Badger Crasher (Don't tell Brian May)
Kelly Brook's Badger Crasher (No, no, no, no, no way)
Track Name: Quaver Dogs
I used to have a wad of cash
More than Nigel Havers
Now I smell of cheesy Daschund
Now I suck off dogs for Quavers

Who knew corn based snacks would be
Sexual canine currency
Sucking faster than Mo Farrah
Spaniel, poodle, Chihuaha

Oh Quaver dogs
Oh Quaver dogs

Ever since the credit crunch
Pugs get off on Monster Munch
Times are ruff, so's my jaws
Giving head to labradors

Collies, whippets, Afghan Hounds
Are trading crisps instead of pounds
Twiglets, Skips and Cheesy Puffs
I'm opening a stall at Crufts

I've got the stamina and patience
To take 101 dalmations
I get down on my knees and pray
A Great Dane doesn't come my way

Alsatians, corgis and Beagles
Greyhounds and golden retrievers
Dobermans, shih-tzus, mastiffs
Give me Frazzles for relief

I've even done an old rottweiler
I guess I could go to jail, I
took a wotsit off a schnauzer
Pulled a yorkie off my trousers

In return for a whole mitt full
got mini chips from a pit bull
But the best I ever done
was gagging on St Bernard's rum