1. |
Dominic
02:54
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Dominic a nic a nic a
A strategic mastermind
He's the brains behind the throne
With a towering intellect
And a towering forehead
He's a one man thunderdome
Are these people really clever
Or just a herd of cows
Dare I fuck a pig or ever
Wear a big girl's blouse?
He's got the power to lead you
Over all the drooling media
Mauling like a police dog
Sprawling like a Rees Mogg
In the corridors of power
He is nanny with a shower
Hosing down the boners
Of the Tory party donors
Evil genius or master tactician
Or a girly swot
Turquoise ties r us
Fascism's so hot hot hot
He tells Boris what to do
But all Boris hears is 'Boo!'
Shurely nothing can go wrong
What the fuck is going on?
Oversees the Cummings and the goings at the despatch box
I blame Benedict Cumberbatch - a pox on thee
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2. |
Cummings!
02:21
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Dominic Cummings has been hired to help run No.10
So who is the divisive figure playing a key role in the government's Brexit strategy?
From Smurfland where we belong
You don't seem to know whether you're trying to ask me questions
Or whether to interupt all the time
No, we Smurf, it's much less fuss
This clown, what's he like, eh?
We are real Smurfs so we don't care
What did I just say?
Yes, we will sing it once again
Cummings!
If you were in my job now what would you do?
You do an eclectic celebration of the dance!
You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse!
You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham!
Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla!
Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd!
Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!
Let's take back control, let's take back control
I don't have a masterplan
Well people say all sorts of things
You say all sorts of things
You don't know what you're talking about
So everyone watching at home should know
Don't watch the news
Cos it's almost all bull
Another clueless journalist
Let's take back control, let's take back control
Yes, we smurf through a water tap
The prime minister can speak for himself
Yes and through a small keyhole
You don't even know the basics of the subject you're asking about
Smurfing the flute, we think's so cute
You're talking like a toddler
Yes, but only to this tune
Let's take back control, let's take back control
All government's obey the law or they try to
The prime minister will make clear what he's going to do at the right time
Yes, sir!
Did you see what he just did?
What did he do?
He blew a bubble with his gum while I was singing.
You can't do that while I'm singing!
This is a complex number
Full of mythic themes
I don't think I get it
But you keep it all inside
I didn't say that, did I?
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3. |
Ballad Of Dom And Bojo
02:50
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by @wintee
Running for a car down in London
Trying to get to County Durham
The government said, get back here instead
You know they didn't even give us a chance.
Christ you know it ain't easy, you know how hard it can be.
My vision is going, I'd better drive now to see
Finally made it up to the parents
Spreading COVID all of the way
Michael Gove called to say, Boris not OK
Must get down to London today
Christ you know it ain't easy, you know how hard it can be
My vision is going, I better drive now to see
Drove from Daddy's to Barnard Castle,
Just to check that I wasn't blind
Said "Hello" to a chap, then we drove straight back
I'm only trying to stop the disease
Christ you know it ain't easy, you know how hard it can be
My vision is going, on the A63
Saving up your petrol for a rainy day
Giving COVID to your family
Last night the wife said oh boy when you're dead
I hope you take nothing with you, have you got a soul?
Think!
Made a lightning trip back to Checkers
Boris made me bring him some fags
The newspapers find, I'm not legally blind
They look just like two dildos in black!
Christ you know it ain't easy, you know how hard it can be.
My vision is going, I better drive now to see
Did a press conference in London
Now everyone understands
Laura Kuenssberg say "We believe you, OK"
Piers Morgan thinks I'm talking out of my pants
Christ you know it ain't easy, you know how hard it can be!
My vision is going, I better drive now to see.
My vision is going, I think I'd better flee.
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4. |
Truth Twisters
03:50
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Ahh Ahhh, Ahh Ahhh
You better stay home, you better take care
Unless you are Dom then you just go anywhere
Go to Castle Barnard - it isn't that hard
But if you're a pleb just stay in your own backyard
Ahh Ahh Ahh, Ahh Ahhh
Don't look into his eyes, where compassion dies
There really is nothing behind his disguse
Now everyone knows where Dominic goes
He'll sell your granny out from under your nose
Does anyone know the way, did we hear someone say
(We just haven't got a clue what to do)
Arrogant and offensive, imagine working with these
Truth twisters
The cops are out, they're running about
There's plenty CCTV, just get it out
Just got to be caught, he's got to be taught
Cause he is more evil then anyone here ever thought
Does anyone know the way, did we hear someone say
(We just haven't got a clue what to do)
Arrogant and offensive, imagine working with these
Truth twisters
That little creep, he snuck off real sneaky
Hung out his son and his uncle, pure scum
Acting on instinct while running to mummy
Schooling his Boris and stepping on bluebells
The civil service knew something round here smells
Pull on your beanie, ooh-ooh
Fucking Cummings
Truth twisters lying through their teeth
Truth twisters, imagine working with these
They're outrageous, they scream and they fall
Over each other, straight outta Bullingdon
Looks like a mekon, smiles like a reptile
He hates you, he hates you, the press won't call him vile
They'll scratch in the sand, won't let go his hand
They'll say he's a magician and sell ammunition
And stack up the dead, yeah, while pretending to care
Poor little beanie, boohoo
Truth twisters, got each others backs
Truth twisters in bed with the hacks
They're outrageous, they scream and they bawl
From Eton, Harrow, fuck em all
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5. |
A Dom In Downing Street
01:06
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Well the veins stick out on his head
There is no marrow in his bones
Fear and hate linger in the air
A strictly no-go deadly zone
We all know what he's doing here
With his stupid rugby ball
There's a Dom in Downing Street
He's called out his Army, he's called out the police yeah
He's blown up the west end, now he's spreading throughout the city
A Phillistine nation of degradation
And hate and war. There must be more
It's Dominique C-U-M-M-I-N-G-S
A crock of shit
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6. |
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I have a hardon
To be speaking from the rose garden
Everything will be fine
Everybody must resign some time
When you take you gotta give so live and let live
Or let go oh-whoa-whoa-whoa
I beg your pardon
I won't take questions from The Guardian
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7. |
Hard Day's Lying
01:29
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It's been a hard day's lying, and I'm smirking like a cat
It's been a hard day's lying, I should be sleeping like a rat
But when I drive in my car I find I can't get too far
Because of my eyesight
You know I lie all day to get you money for aspirin
GlaxoSmithKline of Barnard Castle signed an agreement
To make a Covid vaccine, so you know what I mean
I feel alright
When I get home, I'm teaching my wife how to drive
Oh, she already can? Well it's time to test her eye sight right?
It's been a hard day's lying, I should be begging like a dog
It's been a hard day's lying, I'd better backdate my blog
Just call me Mr Magoo, I'll rewrite history too
Oh, I'm such a shite
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8. |
Sorry (Not Sorry)
02:42
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I'm sorry, (I'm not sorry) So sorry
That I was such a fool
I thought I could easily bend the rules
Oooh
So sorry
I was too blind to see
Please accept my apology
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9. |
Testing Out My Vision
03:25
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Oh, my I'm bigger
I'm bigger than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance to my dad's
Oh no! I've said too much!
I set it up
That's me in my Landy
That's me up in Durham
Testing out my vision*
Trying to have a clue
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I heard Matt Hancock laughing
I told Boris not to sing
I think I thought I saw you smile
In the garden
I couldn't hide my sneer
I'm choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on the truth
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
Consider this
The cunt of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
Said enough
I heard Matt Hancock laughing
I told Boris not to sing
I think I thought I saw you smile
That was just obscene
Just obscene
*first verse by @gouldina
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10. |
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Every time I think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's a problem of mine
But it's no problem I find
Living a lie that I can't leave behind
But there's no sense in lying in bed
Let's just drive up to Durham instead
But that's the way that it goes
And now everyone knows
And every day my confusion grows
Every time I think of Boris
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for my husband Dom
To say the words that I can't say
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11. |
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Sometimes it's hard to be the PM
Giving all your love to just one man*
People will hate him
Oh please don't berate him
And tell the people to move on
And if you love him you'll forgive him,
Even though he's hard to understand
Oh when you love him and be proud of him,
He'll keep the papers off your back
Stand by your Dom,
Don't give your science advisors
Any time to criticise him
Just keep him cold and lonely
Stand by your Dom,
And show contempt just like him
Keep lying, he's done nothing wrong
Stand by your Dom
Professor Van Tam
You were the only rebel
To stand against the devil man
Professor Van Tam
Van Tam, thank you man
first two lines by *@Craigstuartgold
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12. |
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Cummings was not a handsome fellow
They called him Dom Perignon
He came from a long line of wankers
You know the sort - Harrow, Eton
Entitlement, Coke And Champagne
To these cunts it's all just a game
Entitlement, Coke And Champagne
The lot of them, they're all just the same
They've all been jerking off since the eighties
Suckling on Thatcher's teat
A private club running a nation
Entitled, privileged and effete
They had to rendezvous some mekons
From out their skulls and outer space
They got sick of chat chat chatter
And the look upon everybody's face
They're all the spawn of Satan
Killing everyone
Bored of infecting a nation?
Champagne colonic irrigation*
Entitlement, Coke And Champagne
Entitlement, Coke And Champagne
Entitlement, Coke And Champagne
Entitlement, Coke And Champagne
line by *@GregMoodie
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13. |
Not Moving On
01:34
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You ask us to lay off the heat of the man you love
You tell us you've got a plan, well that's a laugh
Oh who are you to tell us what to do?
That's up to us, yes, our 'loved ones' too
You better move on
Well I know you can shut up Whitty and Vallance on a whim.
But I believe you're sheltering under Dom's wing
Still you beg us to set him free
But my friend, that will never be
We're not moving on
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14. |
Zealous Guy
04:38
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I was dreamin' of my car
And driving really really far
I began to lose control
I began to lose control
I didn't mean to get caught
I'm sorry I made it all up
I didn't want to get caught
I'm just a zealous guy
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15. |
My Way
03:56
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And now Durham is near
I'll put a final spurt on
My friend stay six feet clear
I'm head of state, of that I'm certain
I drove 500 miles
I travelled each and every highway
And spread the virus
I did it my way
Regrets, I've had not one
It's Classic Dom without impunity
I did what I had to do
And saw it through - herd immunity
I planned each chartered course
Each careful step along the highway
I spread the virus
I did it my way
There were times, I'm sure you knew
When there was fuck fuck-all else to do
But through it all, when there was doubt
I shot it up or kicked it out
I faced the wall and the world
And did it my way
I've planned and been a snide
I've had my fill my share of beating
I'm not going to hide
I find it all so amusing
To think I bounced a cat
And may I say not in a shy way
Oh no, oh no not me
I did it my way
For what is a cunt
What have I got
If not respect then I cannot
Say the things I truly feel
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way
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Tommy Mackay Edinburgh, UK
Scottish comedy performer and editor of The Daily Reckless - the paper that sings the news.
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