The Great Dominic Swindle

by Tommy Mackay

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1.
Dominic 02:54
Dominic a nic a nic a A strategic mastermind He's the brains behind the throne With a towering intellect And a towering forehead He's a one man thunderdome Are these people really clever Or just a herd of cows Dare I fuck a pig or ever Wear a big girl's blouse? He's got the power to lead you Over all the drooling media Mauling like a police dog Sprawling like a Rees Mogg In the corridors of power He is nanny with a shower Hosing down the boners Of the Tory party donors Evil genius or master tactician Or a girly swot Turquoise ties r us Fascism's so hot hot hot He tells Boris what to do But all Boris hears is 'Boo!' Shurely nothing can go wrong What the fuck is going on? Oversees the Cummings and the goings at the despatch box I blame Benedict Cumberbatch - a pox on thee
2.
Cummings! 02:21
Dominic Cummings has been hired to help run No.10 So who is the divisive figure playing a key role in the government's Brexit strategy? From Smurfland where we belong You don't seem to know whether you're trying to ask me questions Or whether to interupt all the time No, we Smurf, it's much less fuss This clown, what's he like, eh? We are real Smurfs so we don't care What did I just say? Yes, we will sing it once again Cummings! If you were in my job now what would you do? You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna! Let's take back control, let's take back control I don't have a masterplan Well people say all sorts of things You say all sorts of things You don't know what you're talking about So everyone watching at home should know Don't watch the news Cos it's almost all bull Another clueless journalist Let's take back control, let's take back control Yes, we smurf through a water tap The prime minister can speak for himself Yes and through a small keyhole You don't even know the basics of the subject you're asking about Smurfing the flute, we think's so cute You're talking like a toddler Yes, but only to this tune Let's take back control, let's take back control All government's obey the law or they try to The prime minister will make clear what he's going to do at the right time Yes, sir! Did you see what he just did? What did he do? He blew a bubble with his gum while I was singing. You can't do that while I'm singing! This is a complex number Full of mythic themes I don't think I get it But you keep it all inside I didn't say that, did I?
3.
by @wintee Running for a car down in London Trying to get to County Durham The government said, get back here instead You know they didn't even give us a chance. Christ you know it ain't easy, you know how hard it can be. My vision is going, I'd better drive now to see Finally made it up to the parents Spreading COVID all of the way Michael Gove called to say, Boris not OK Must get down to London today Christ you know it ain't easy, you know how hard it can be My vision is going, I better drive now to see Drove from Daddy's to Barnard Castle, Just to check that I wasn't blind Said "Hello" to a chap, then we drove straight back I'm only trying to stop the disease Christ you know it ain't easy, you know how hard it can be My vision is going, on the A63 Saving up your petrol for a rainy day Giving COVID to your family Last night the wife said oh boy when you're dead I hope you take nothing with you, have you got a soul? Think! Made a lightning trip back to Checkers Boris made me bring him some fags The newspapers find, I'm not legally blind They look just like two dildos in black! Christ you know it ain't easy, you know how hard it can be. My vision is going, I better drive now to see Did a press conference in London Now everyone understands Laura Kuenssberg say "We believe you, OK" Piers Morgan thinks I'm talking out of my pants Christ you know it ain't easy, you know how hard it can be! My vision is going, I better drive now to see. My vision is going, I think I'd better flee.
4.
Ahh Ahhh, Ahh Ahhh You better stay home, you better take care Unless you are Dom then you just go anywhere Go to Castle Barnard - it isn't that hard But if you're a pleb just stay in your own backyard Ahh Ahh Ahh, Ahh Ahhh Don't look into his eyes, where compassion dies There really is nothing behind his disguse Now everyone knows where Dominic goes He'll sell your granny out from under your nose Does anyone know the way, did we hear someone say (We just haven't got a clue what to do) Arrogant and offensive, imagine working with these Truth twisters The cops are out, they're running about There's plenty CCTV, just get it out Just got to be caught, he's got to be taught Cause he is more evil then anyone here ever thought Does anyone know the way, did we hear someone say (We just haven't got a clue what to do) Arrogant and offensive, imagine working with these Truth twisters That little creep, he snuck off real sneaky Hung out his son and his uncle, pure scum Acting on instinct while running to mummy Schooling his Boris and stepping on bluebells The civil service knew something round here smells Pull on your beanie, ooh-ooh Fucking Cummings Truth twisters lying through their teeth Truth twisters, imagine working with these They're outrageous, they scream and they fall Over each other, straight outta Bullingdon Looks like a mekon, smiles like a reptile He hates you, he hates you, the press won't call him vile They'll scratch in the sand, won't let go his hand They'll say he's a magician and sell ammunition And stack up the dead, yeah, while pretending to care Poor little beanie, boohoo Truth twisters, got each others backs Truth twisters in bed with the hacks They're outrageous, they scream and they bawl From Eton, Harrow, fuck em all
5.
Well the veins stick out on his head There is no marrow in his bones Fear and hate linger in the air A strictly no-go deadly zone We all know what he's doing here With his stupid rugby ball There's a Dom in Downing Street He's called out his Army, he's called out the police yeah He's blown up the west end, now he's spreading throughout the city A Phillistine nation of degradation And hate and war. There must be more It's Dominique C-U-M-M-I-N-G-S A crock of shit
6.
I have a hardon To be speaking from the rose garden Everything will be fine Everybody must resign some time When you take you gotta give so live and let live Or let go oh-whoa-whoa-whoa I beg your pardon I won't take questions from The Guardian
7.
It's been a hard day's lying, and I'm smirking like a cat It's been a hard day's lying, I should be sleeping like a rat But when I drive in my car I find I can't get too far Because of my eyesight You know I lie all day to get you money for aspirin GlaxoSmithKline of Barnard Castle signed an agreement To make a Covid vaccine, so you know what I mean I feel alright When I get home, I'm teaching my wife how to drive Oh, she already can? Well it's time to test her eye sight right? It's been a hard day's lying, I should be begging like a dog It's been a hard day's lying, I'd better backdate my blog Just call me Mr Magoo, I'll rewrite history too Oh, I'm such a shite
8.
I'm sorry, (I'm not sorry) So sorry That I was such a fool I thought I could easily bend the rules Oooh So sorry I was too blind to see Please accept my apology
9.
Oh, my I'm bigger I'm bigger than you and you are not me The lengths that I will go to The distance to my dad's Oh no! I've said too much! I set it up That's me in my Landy That's me up in Durham Testing out my vision* Trying to have a clue And I don't know if I can do it Oh no, I've said too much I haven't said enough I heard Matt Hancock laughing I told Boris not to sing I think I thought I saw you smile In the garden I couldn't hide my sneer I'm choosing my confessions Trying to keep an eye on the truth Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool Oh no, I've said too much I set it up Consider this Consider this The cunt of the century Consider this The slip that brought me To my knees failed What if all these fantasies Come flailing around Now I've said too much Said enough I heard Matt Hancock laughing I told Boris not to sing I think I thought I saw you smile That was just obscene Just obscene *first verse by @gouldina
10.
Every time I think of you I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue It's a problem of mine But it's no problem I find Living a lie that I can't leave behind But there's no sense in lying in bed Let's just drive up to Durham instead But that's the way that it goes And now everyone knows And every day my confusion grows Every time I think of Boris I get down on my knees and pray I'm waiting for my husband Dom To say the words that I can't say
11.
Sometimes it's hard to be the PM Giving all your love to just one man* People will hate him Oh please don't berate him And tell the people to move on And if you love him you'll forgive him, Even though he's hard to understand Oh when you love him and be proud of him, He'll keep the papers off your back Stand by your Dom, Don't give your science advisors Any time to criticise him Just keep him cold and lonely Stand by your Dom, And show contempt just like him Keep lying, he's done nothing wrong Stand by your Dom Professor Van Tam You were the only rebel To stand against the devil man Professor Van Tam Van Tam, thank you man first two lines by *@Craigstuartgold
12.
Cummings was not a handsome fellow They called him Dom Perignon He came from a long line of wankers You know the sort - Harrow, Eton Entitlement, Coke And Champagne To these cunts it's all just a game Entitlement, Coke And Champagne The lot of them, they're all just the same They've all been jerking off since the eighties Suckling on Thatcher's teat A private club running a nation Entitled, privileged and effete They had to rendezvous some mekons From out their skulls and outer space They got sick of chat chat chatter And the look upon everybody's face They're all the spawn of Satan Killing everyone Bored of infecting a nation? Champagne colonic irrigation* Entitlement, Coke And Champagne Entitlement, Coke And Champagne Entitlement, Coke And Champagne Entitlement, Coke And Champagne line by *@GregMoodie
13.
You ask us to lay off the heat of the man you love You tell us you've got a plan, well that's a laugh Oh who are you to tell us what to do? That's up to us, yes, our 'loved ones' too You better move on Well I know you can shut up Whitty and Vallance on a whim. But I believe you're sheltering under Dom's wing Still you beg us to set him free But my friend, that will never be We're not moving on
14.
Zealous Guy 04:38
I was dreamin' of my car And driving really really far I began to lose control I began to lose control I didn't mean to get caught I'm sorry I made it all up I didn't want to get caught I'm just a zealous guy
15.
My Way 03:56
And now Durham is near I'll put a final spurt on My friend stay six feet clear I'm head of state, of that I'm certain I drove 500 miles I travelled each and every highway And spread the virus I did it my way Regrets, I've had not one It's Classic Dom without impunity I did what I had to do And saw it through - herd immunity I planned each chartered course Each careful step along the highway I spread the virus I did it my way There were times, I'm sure you knew When there was fuck fuck-all else to do But through it all, when there was doubt I shot it up or kicked it out I faced the wall and the world And did it my way I've planned and been a snide I've had my fill my share of beating I'm not going to hide I find it all so amusing To think I bounced a cat And may I say not in a shy way Oh no, oh no not me I did it my way For what is a cunt What have I got If not respect then I cannot Say the things I truly feel And not the words of one who kneels The record shows I took the blows And did it my way

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released June 5, 2020

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Tommy Mackay Edinburgh, UK

Scottish comedy performer and editor of The Daily Reckless - the paper that sings the news.

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