Laughtivism

by Tommy Mackay

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1.
Do you remember the Irony Revolution When we hilariously overthrew capitalism with our sarcastic cynicism and caustic wit The snark and the sneer at the heart of it Armed with barbed bon mots How d'you wash away disdain From this carpet, from your brain Again and again and again and again Years and years and jeers and boos Wipe the shit from your clown shoes Spraying acid from a plastic flower Joking about truth to power We've moved past apathy and nihilism Now we're into laughtivism ooooo There's a satire and parody schism At the heart of laughtivism That's me in Chortle The comedy portal Losing laughtivism Any psychopath Can laugh laugh laugh From Bathgate to Bath Laugh laugh laugh When topical gags Become ropy and naff And pastiche is past it Losing panache I was out on the razz And I lost my pizzazz That's enough rhyming Your comedy timing is late My coping mechanism Laughtivism
2.
Game Of Life 02:34
Hey, you know I get things done I'm the most underappreciated under the sun You think I'm a loser but I know I've won The game of life I can do new songs or a cover version Pop, soul or funk or George and Ira Gershwin I'm just beginning to realise I'm winning The game of life The swing era The age of Jazz Even Vera Lynn, Bowie, Chas n Dave and Public Enemy I do them all on mp3 Hey, you know I get things done I'm the most underappreciated under the sun You think I'm a loser but I know I've won The game of life My taste is catholic But I'm not religious I'll listen to Afric an djembes, Sid Vicious Little Mix Politics Porgy and Bess All human life in the Daily Reckless Take it away me... And that's just the half of it Here come the rest Three quarter life crisis is just the best Throwing a double six to start again In the game of life
3.
Dad On 03:32
First they came for the socialites and I said Dad on Then they came for the alt-rights and I said Dad on Then they came for the Blairites and I said Dad on Then they came for the Barron Knights and I said Haud on They were all right And so's Weird Al If you're gonna take them Then take me, pal We might not be right on, hip or cool But we're parodist old school So haud on Haud on Haud on Ally came from Kirkcaldy, F.I.F.E Dad on Hitchiked his way across to Ballingry Dad on A castle here and Anstruther Newburgh is the place where They say Dad on Dad on Dad on I'm not all right And neither's Weird Al If you're gonna take them Then take me, pal We might not be right on, hip or cool But we're parodist old school So dad on Dad on Dad on Oh you think you're so sardonic But your patter's fucking chronic Gie's pee ee ee ee ee ee eace You pretend you liked Sniffin Glue once And you use words like nuance Gie's pee ee ee ee ee ee eace You're sanctimonious Yours is the only pus That lights up watching Sunday Politics Your horse is higher Than a eunuchs choir Though ironically all of your pals are dicks I'm not all right (He's not all right) I don't know what's left (dunno what's left) Back in the centre They are bereft I might not be right on, hip or cool You've messed up this old fool So dad on Dad on Dad on Dad on Dad on Dad on Dad ohhhhhhhhhhn Dad on
4.
Do you take this man to be Melancholic, trite or twee? Over 59 years from Kelso Always one thought or bus ride from Leith Then there's Mexborough, Glenrothes also But there's something that lies beneath Do you have a sense of place? Or can you just about face?
5.
Scream if you're going past Doncaster Mexborough miner Mexborough miner Mexborough miner Oh oh oh I knew a Mexborough miner He was funny, well kinda Dirty job, filthy one liners A huge influence on this minor Eh up, are thar badly He would say, but now madly He is dead but I'm glad he Put wood in t'hole sadly
6.
Where I Live 02:56
I used to live in Hope But I moved out last year It was very nice But now I live in Fear Which is not so nice But it has a park Where I used to sit Until it got dark. Once I lived in Side But only for a while It was good to hide But then I lived in Style Which was quite expensive But really quite a laugh So then I lived in Penury And never had a bath. Now I live in Tensely People say to me It must hurt immensely I say not really. So to Edinburgh Where I had a fridge Mostly stocked with air Stenhouse not Knightsbridge.
7.
Existentialism Is doing my head in All this time I have been Waiting for life to begin Pick another ism Comic communism Singing from Sing Sing Waiting for life to begin A collection of spare parts Losing, breaking hearts Throwing random darts A series of false starts Existentialism Is doing my head in All this time I have been Waiting for life to begin One of life's cruel and callous creatures Facile and facetious Pretending I know Nietzsche's Thoughts on fascism and Jesus Pick another ism Comic communism Singing from Sing Sing Waiting for life to begin Waiting for life to begin Waiting for life to begin Am I nearly there yet?
8.
O come all ye snowflakes and let your heart bleed Over war and injustice and children in need We're sorry for your knee jerk anger, sorry for your loss But hey check out our new cinnamon flavoured dental floss We have a strong suspicion all your grievances are fake You need to tune into La La Land not I, Daniel Blake Pledge allegiance to the deviance of our new orange boss And check out our new cinnamon flavoured dental floss A person of good intelligence and sensitivity Cannot exist in this society Without expressing anger at the inequality And it's not just a pinko commie loving liberal thing It's a normal human reaction in a world of suffering Distraction, distraction's the name of the game We will get fooled again and again The sigh of the times is to not give a toss Just as long as you try our new cinnamon flavoured dental floss George Carlin, George Carlin I never felt more like George Carlin
9.
Rip your heart from your pullover I'll be your hard shoulder to cry on From Inverness Caley to Brighton & Hove I'll be your hard shoulder to cry on Indifferent circumstances I could walk you home But you interpret my advances all wrong Honestly, I can do sincere I'll be your hard shoulder to cry on But I'm more 'king useless than King Lear I'll be your hard shoulder to cry on
10.
Dear Mr Brown, I see you are down as a Jedi Are you really sure? Also it says your colour is beige Occupation: extracting urine And next to Sex it says 'Please' Hereditary illness: knobbly knees Dear Mrs Smith, You're taking the piss When your address is the garden shed Also we see your husband of 93 Is strictly speaking clinically dead Thanks for your hobbies, Mrs Jones: Earth shattering orgasmic groans Dear Mr Green, Your entry's obscene We'll strike you from our database You might think it is funny to shit on the form And say 'analyse this' Senseless census, have a bleeding guess Unknown at this address
11.
Leith FM 00:46
12.
I hate life Old men cry I hate life Young men cry I love life Old men cry I love life Young men cry Family and friends give me peace Life is only start and cease Shoot at goals Save our souls On and on That's it. Stop Slide gentle into the night All life is mental alright
13.
I trapped a clipshear Underneath a glass I kept it for a week to see How long he'd last He stared right back at me He thought that he could win We played the waiting game He thought that I'd give in Scotland made me Scotland made me I had a dream last night That I was drunk I killed a stranger And left him in a trunk In Polmont railway station It was an unsolved case A famous murder mystery People love mystery Scotland made me Scotland made me Scotland made me Scotland made me I need my privacy I lead a secret life Sleep with the enemy Then betray both sides I traveled all my life But never got away From the killing jar And the garden shed Scotland made me Scotland made me Scotland made me Scotland made me Scotland made me Scotland made me Scotland made me
14.
Good evening My given name is Thomas and I come from Glenrothes And I'm doing very well. I used to stay in Minto Crescent Which was not all that unpleasant We were very effervescent And also pre-pubescent We would get our fun Playing chap door run Until somebody's mum Kicked us squarely up the bum So just ask Steve and Billy How I've ended up this silly We like a hippopotamus, I'm Glenrothes Thomas And I'm doing very well. We'd bus it to Kirkcaldy And have a cheeky voddy Which was not too shoddy Don't tell anybody We'd hang out at the bowling alley And try to get pally With Mary, Joyce and Sally Then we would go doolally So you ask Steve and Billy If we sentimentally Love our hippopotamus, I'm Glenrothes Thomas And I'm doing very well. You can always hit Kinglassie Via the B921 The viaduct to Leslie Also used to be fun
15.
The National Records of Scotland is my current prison cell It's down the end of Princes Street opposite the Balmoral Hotel I'm filing the births and I'm filing the marriages I'm filing the people who have died The registrars in Scotland phone me up each day To tell me they've forgotten their password, what can I say? I say that I'm changing their password To the word password All lower case, thankyou, goodbye There's more people dead than alive now As anyone can see With no chance of a comeback especially in this wee country But still I say, I'm changing your password To the word password All lower case, thankyou, goodbye
16.
P-p-pick up a cliché, p-p-pick up a rhyme It's p-p-p-p-p-p-p-Pachelbel time Half the world thinks the other half's wrong Nobody really gets along We're just dying to cause a stink I think that's what a lot of people think The system is designed to fail And no-one's getting bail You wither and you shrink I think that's what a lot of people think I just wanna have some fun Looking after number one I'm boring without a drink I think that's what a lot of people think Even if you're monarchy You kid yourself you can be free Every armour has a chink I think that's what a lot of people think I'm struggling to keep a grip On this sinking ship I feel I'm on the brink I think that's what a lot of people think It doesn't matter what I say No-one hears me anyway I am the weakest link I think that's what a lot of people think The more you climb towards the top The more you have to drop You'll tumble if you blink I think that's what a lot of people think There are royal parasites, Monks and lawyers, fly-by knights In the cloister, in the clink I think that's what a lot of people think It's not what, but who you know That predetermines this whole show A nod here and there a wink I think that's what a lot of people think Keep up appearances and smile Maintain a mask, adopt a style Pretend you're in the pink I think that's what a lot of people think And when the cloud disintegrates And we're at the pearly gates At least there's no further to sink I think that's what a lot of people think I think that's what a lot of people think

credits

released March 11, 2020

Tracks 1,2 and 8 produced by Michael Brennan at Substation Studios, Rosyth.
Cover pic: Mark Reynolds

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Tommy Mackay Edinburgh, UK

Scottish comedy performer and editor of The Daily Reckless - the paper that sings the news.

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