Gordon Brown Sings Political Ballads

by Tommy Mackay

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1.
"It's crunch time. It's crunch time." "I want to take this opportunity to talk to you straight about the action the government is taking on the economy." Gordon Brown, superhero Saved the pound and the euro We're all bankers now From Shetland to Slough Crash, bang, kepow! Thanks, Gordon Brown "Now let's come straight to the point. I'm able to read, write and count." Faster than the speed of inflation He has saved everyone's bacon His superpowers and golden showers have saved the day Hip, hip hooray! "Labour is the party of the NHS. MRSA is in our DNA. Sometimes I get angry with this government beating everyone on their heads because it really hurts. And today I want to send David Milliband to Darfur." RBS, Lloyds TSB And HBOS technically Are owned by us Let's all go nuts Mum's gone to Iceland We're off to the dogs. "I want to unleash on this country a new wave of anti-social behaviour. I want Britain to lead the world in beating infants and their parents. So, today I guarantee to parents at this very moment - this Labour government has an axe aimed straight at their children. I am a celebrity. And let us remember, there's nothing we can do. There's nothing higher to aim for. No great causes left that are worth fighting for. Perhaps that's just as well." "That was predictable. It was all so predictable. So relentlessly predictable." " These are global problems which require global solutions. That's why we will seize up and break down."
2.
About a trillion dollars has been spent to re-capitalse the banks. There's about seven trillion dollars in guarantees for the banks Good bank, bad bank Good bank, bad bank You've got to isolate the bad assets The capitalisation was the first stage of the process What you've now got to do is look at how you can isolate the bad assets I think there should be international discussion on what are the best models Essentially all the crises have been inflation crises since the 1940s Fiscal stimulus Fiscal stimulus You've got to isolate the bad assets You've got to isolate the bad assets Fiscal stimulus Fiscal stimulus The capitalisation was the first stage of the process What you've now got to do is look at how you can isolate the bad assets Good bank, bad bank Fiscal stimulus
3.
Dour Prudence - that's my philosophy Dour Prudence - I'm gonna make you pay I've been a dour cunt all my life On account of me being fay Fife Dour Prudence Won't you open up your purse? Dour Prudence - I used to be PM Dour Prudence - I've gone downhill since then As Chancellor I stayed dour By making everybody poor Dour Prudence I sold our gold supplies For a pound
4.
I'm the dour Scotsman that you're too scared to mention I spent your cash on banking gash And nuclear deterrents The devil take your principles And socialist intentions You're all a bunch of bigots And I've fucked up all your pensions Stand and deliver Your money or your life I'll screw you over I'm from fucking Fife I'm the dowdy Scottishman so sick of Tony's fashions The hand gesture, the plastic smile That people think so dashing I nicked them all but still you hate me It's obvious I'm faking It's kind of shit to tell the kids The big mistake they're making Stand and deliver Your money or your life I'll screw you over I'm from fucking Fife Me and Mandy have your soul Your pension will be mine All mine Gaffe gaffe, I did a little gaffe gaffe I did a little gaffe gaffe I did a little gaffe gaffe
5.
Got a bigoted woman I got a bigoted woman Yes, I got a bigoted woman Name of Gillian Duffy Yeah she's a bigoted woman And she's tryin' to make a devil out of me Remember to turn your mic off Remember to turn your mic off Yes, when you get back in the car To get away from the proles Remember turn your mic off 'Cause you might just end up on the radio Let's have a cup of tea woman Let's have a cup of tea woman Yes, let's have a cup of tea woman Let's forget my heart is a stone I need you so, bigoted woman, I can't leave you alone
6.
7.
Oooh Gordon. I know you spend night times Wrapped like Ghandi in a cool cool neon vow Fade away and radiate - Naw! Fade away and radiate - Naw! Why won't anybody listen to me? Thank god for the Daily Record and the BBC Fade away and radiate - Naw! Fade away and radiate - Naw! It's me, it's me, it's me Don't listen to the SNP It's me, it's me, it's me I'm the King of Kirkcaldy I used to be prime minister you know Everybody loved me Tony told me so
8.
I run this country I run this town I'm a real cunt, yeah I'm Gordon Brown I was born in Kirkcaldy I'm a son of the kirk My daddy was a preacher So I don't have to work I spell M-A-N-S-E Manse Some people say I'm dour Some people say I'm glum Is it any wonder ya hoor? Have you seen what I do with my tongue? Now, that's a strange habit I'm sure you'll agree That's why I'm wabbit I'm gonna tax your pee I'm a real Fifer I'm from the Lang Toun If you wanna sup with me boy You'll need a lang spoon They say that we're inbred We people from Fife You ask my big sister She's my step-father's wife
9.
"Our economy, like any other, is facing a very hard challenge as a result of the global financial crisis and in a sense it's all hands on deck." "Gordon's alive!" "Each of us has to play our part and that's what I propose to do myself." Look who's coming back to town Riding on the coat tails of Gordon Brown It's Peter Mandelson People say that Gordon's brave Bringing him back from the grave And it's a gamble Can't be long now before we see Alistair Campbell Oh Mandy You've been in the government three times now And you can't stay away How handy We thought you loved Tony, but now you love Brown You're the comeback kid Do you see what I did there? I used an old song and changed the lyrics So now it's something to do with politics That's satire "Ah, ah! He'll save every one of us. Just a man with a man's courage. You know he's nothing but a man who can never fail." "Third time lucky!"
10.
The Sun and Gordon Brown are no more They have parted company But The Sun have still got tits on page three They're called the Conservatives Gordie, woe oh woe They wouldn't have him in the Dandy The Sunday Post rejected Mandy Even The People's Friend The Daily Record's sticking with Brown The Scotsman's going down The Star is with John Smeaton The Sun and Gordon Brown are no more The Independent will wait and see But who will back the poor SNP? No Country Life Look out, it's David Cameron And his Eton arseholes Eton arseholes
11.
I'm Serious 02:07
12.
Ooh ooh - let's get down Ooh ooh - Gordon Brown Kirkcaldy, Kirkcaldy They have got a Civic Body They lobby, they lobby The lino factory is not shoddy You've got to give it welly It's historic said some felly I saw it on the telly Some folk say that lino's smelly Ooh ooh - let's get down Ooh ooh - Jaaaaaaames Brown It's no fair, says Lino Blair Arrividitchie Lino Ritchie

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released January 27, 2019

Cover design by @JimmerUK

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Tommy Mackay Edinburgh, UK

Scottish comedy performer and editor of The Daily Reckless - the paper that sings the news.

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