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Fife's A Gas

by Tommy Mackay

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1.
Fife's A Gas 02:23
You had more power, girl, than Longannet You had more charm than the village of Star I don't really like this patter at all I don't really like this patter at all Fife's a gas We could have lived in peace in Dunfermline I could have placed our love in Rosyth But it really doesn't matter at all I don't really like this patter at all Fife's a gas I could have have bought a flat in Strathkiness Or in Burntisland or Falkland But it really doesn't matter at all I don't really like this patter at all Fife's a gas (from Tayport to Culross) But it really doesn't matter at all I don't really like this patter at all Fife's a gas
2.
Good evening My given name is Thomas and I come from Glenrothes And I'm doing very well. I used to stay in Minto Crescent Which was not all that unpleasant We were very effervescent And also pre-pubescent We would get our fun Playing chap door run Until somebody's mum Kicked us squarely up the bum So just ask Steve and Billy How I've ended up this silly We like a hippopotamus, I'm Glenrothes Thomas And I'm doing very well. We'd bus it to Kirkcaldy And have a cheeky voddy Which was not too shoddy Don't tell anybody We'd hang out at the bowling alley And try to get pally With Mary, Joyce and Sally Then we would go doolally So you ask Steve and Billy If we sentimentally Love our hippopotamus, I'm Glenrothes Thomas And I'm doing very well. You can always hit Kinglassie Via the B921 The viaduct to Leslie Also used to be fun
3.
Near the windy gates of heaven Lived a legend in his own mind Stuck between some ruins and Coaltown Mary, Queen of Scots had it all sewn up She had more houses than the Pope (roll up, roll up) Like Balfour House nearby Balgonie Castle Who could be bothered with all that hassle? John Milton of Balgonie Wrote Paradise Lost & Found He was the star of Markinch Stationed underground Lovers in Fife are flaming randy Johnny boy wrote in his book He also foretold gigs in Kinghorn In the Cuinzie Neuk John Milton of Balgonie Wrote Paradise Lost & Found He was the star of Markinch Stationed underground
4.
Pettycur Bay 03:47
5.
Cupar,Elie,Methil,Wormit,Kelty,Star,Glenrothes Fife has got more than its fair share of poets and authors Even if you don't know them, they're scribbling in their jotters In Cupar,Elie,Methil,Wormit,Kelty,Star,Glenrothes
6.
7.
Bus preservation in Kirriemuir Bus preservation in Kirriemuir The bus from the Italian Job had a long life But it died in Burnside Motors in Leven, Fife Before that, a school bus in Kirriemuir And a horsebox in Anstruther too Rear doors welded shut Rear doors welded shut It had been suspended over the Alps with rigs, eh? Then on the skids with a bunch of Scots kids Bus preservation in Kirriemuir Bus preservation in Kirriemuir Gotta get a bloomin' move on Babadab-babadabadab-bab-ba Jump in the jam jar gonna get straight (Babadab-babadabadab-bab-ba) Hurry up mate, gonna be late How's your father? Tickety boo, tickety boo Gotta get a bloomin' move on Scotland
8.
Fife Years 01:55
Pushing through St Andrews Square So many actors flyering (flyering) News had just come over We had Fifers left and right here News guy wept when he told us Earlsferry's dire (dire) But no-one trusted the BBC anymore So I knew he was a liar (liar) He said telephones, inside bogs, electricity, Soy sauce not known in Kelty People treat it like a whorehouse, they really didn't care But there's so many great things going on in there And all the Strathkinness people And all the Dunshalt people And all the Kirkcaldy people And all the Cellardyke people I never thought I'd need Lochgelly people
9.
There was a wee butcher who lived in Fife, Nickety, nackety, noo, noo, noo, One day he got the fright of his life, Hey willy wallachy, are you James Melville I love your twitter feed, roo, roo, roo. He said what you’re doing is amazing Nickety, nackety, noo, noo, noo, I love yer feed, keep going, Hey willy wallachy, are you James Melville I love your twitter feed, roo, roo, roo. This sort of thing is happening a lot now. Nickety, nackety, noo, noo, noo, Discombobulating and heartening Hey willy wallachy, are you James Melville I love your twitter feed, roo, roo, roo. Everyone knows me now I’m on the socials Nickety, nackety, noo, noo, noo, I’m constantly trolled, even in my local Hey willy wallachy, are you James Melville I love your twitter feed, roo, roo, roo. There was a wee butcher who lived in Fife, Nickety, nackety, noo, noo, noo, One day he got the fright of his life, Hey willy wallachy, I am James Melville I love my twitter feed, roo, roo, roo.
10.
11.
Have you seen a bauchle wrapped in ermine Who’s got fuck all room to squirm in So she buggers off down South To shoot her mouth off Meanwhile back in Fife The locals wonder who’s that wifey? Taking our name in vain For financial gain How can you tell me She’s worthy Sitting in the House of Lords Let me take you by the hand And lead you through the streets of Lundin Links I’ll show you what that town thinks of Ruth Davidson
12.
Into the Forth – underneath Start shovelling at Leith Ooh ooh Let’s all dig Kirkcaldy, Kirkcaldy Build a tunnel to Kirkcaldy Chris Packham and Bill Oddie The Green Party Everybody Kirkcaldy, Kirkcaldy Under the Forth, Leith to Kirkcaldy Good for the soul, good for the body Build a tunnel to Kirkcaldy Ooh ooh Let’s all dig
13.
It came from Lochgelly You held it in your hands I had flashes But you saw my palms I got belted in school for years But who did it the best It was the art teacher He was the best at the tawse The best at the tawse Hmm, you would think the gym teacher, with the strength in his arms Would be the best at stinging my palms, but he held it too high He went too far Too soon He wasn’t the best at the tawse The woodwork teacher Threw chisels at us The history teacher was cruel He placed our hands On top of thick hardback books So they couldn’t move He bruised our knuckles But he wasn’t the best at the tawse The music teacher Was the worst She raised her leg when swinging the tawse Almost kneeing us in the baws We queued up to get the belt from her She was the worst at the tawse The worst at the tawse
14.
At Cowdenbeath Goth Friday domino winner Was Robbo Jock Moran was disqualified A sinner He chapped when he could play And wee Jimmy Izzat was grannied Wullie Smith had hard lines The rest o us couldnae be fannied At Cowdenbeath Goth

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released March 11, 2022

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Tommy Mackay Edinburgh, UK

Scottish comedy performer and editor of The Daily Reckless - the paper that sings the news.

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