1. |
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I've seen a lesbian kiwi fruit
Got a bisexual pomegranate to boot
But I've never seen a straight banana.
Well, I've been to the end of the street and back
And I own six albums by Shakatak
But I've never seen a straight banana
I've had a closeted kumquat,
gay gooseberries and what not,
But I've never seen a straight banana
I've known legumes both right and proper
Heard fruity language from a bent copper
But I've never seen a straight banana
My plums are bi curious
My mouldy peaches furious
But I've never seen a straight banana
My passion fruit has lost its ardour
Tomatoes are twixt fridge and larder
But I've never seen a straight banana
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2. |
Sadiq Khan
02:27
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3. |
Fratricide
03:39
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I believe in fratricide
I rest my case, don't cast aside
You better believe it
I'm Ruth Davidson
Take it or leave it, resign to it
Fratricide, fratricide
Fratricide, fratricide
Theresa May is by my side
So what I say is irrelevant
You better believe it
I'm Ruth Davidson
Take it or leave it, resign to it
Fratricide, fratricide
Fratricide, fratricide
You tried to tell me it's my fault because I'm rude
By letting loose this fratricide on Holyrood
I'll take your number I'll write it down
What's your address I'll write it down
I'll be in touch so don't leave town in a big black car
Fratricide, fratricide
Fratricide, fratricide
Fratricide, fratricide
Fratricide, fratricide
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4. |
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My baby is tied to a timebomb
My terrorist tied to a tree
My baby is tied to a timebomb
O bring back my baby to me
Lee Hurst, Lee Hurst
You've got an hour to meet his demands
Lee Hurst, Lee Hurst
His website is written in comic sans
ooh where's me waterboard?
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5. |
Crowds
01:18
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Inauguration, protest march
What's the difference? Here's a chart
I've got some figures, do the maths
And sprinkle fairy dust
Rows and flows of golden showers
Snowflakes, papier mache flowers
Mash potatos like Trump Towers,
I've looked at crowds that way.
I've looked at crowds from both sides now
From up & down and still somehow
It's crowds' illusions I recall
I really don't know crowds at all
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6. |
Appease Me
01:54
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Last night I said these words to Donny
I hope you're wearin a rubber johnny
C'mon, c'mon c'mon c'mon
Appease me oh yeah
And I'll appease you
I hope you like the quaich I brought ye
It's better than a Tamagotchi
C'mon, c'mon c'mon c'mon
Appease me oh yeah
And I'll appease you
I see you've banned the muslims
and don't mention Jerusalem either
And now there's a petition
Please accept my contrition oh do
I do love you ooh ooh
These people are just all malingerers
They're jealous of your hair and fingers
C'mon, c'mon c'mon c'mon
Appease me oh yeah
And I'll appease you
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7. |
Nightphubbing
03:12
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Nightphubbing I'm nightphubbing
I'm what's happening
Nightphubbing I'm nightphubbing
I'm a text machine
I tweet peepee to Meryl Streepy
It's something to see
When I'm nightphubbing
Golden shower clubbing
Oh isn't it wild?
Nightphubbing I'm nightphubbing
I'm taking a crap
Nightphubbing I'm nightphubbing
....
I have tantrums, I call then Trumptons
Robert de Niro look out
Cos I'm nightphubbing
Fight! nightphubbing
Oh isn't it wild...
Nightphubbin' across the universe,
On the Starship USA - it's just gonna get worse.
Nightphubbin' across the universe,
There's no going forward, 'cause I'm stuck in reverse.
There's snowflakes on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow;
there's snowflakes on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Don.
It's news, Don, but not as we know it, not as we know it, not as we know it;
it's news, Don, but not as we know it, not as we know it, fake!
Ah! We come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, shoot to kill;
we come in peace, shoot to kill, shoot to kill, men.
Yer climate change is phony physics, phony physics, phony physics;
Yer climate change is phony physics, phony physics, Don.
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8. |
Mistra President
04:27
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He's a man
with a klan
Chapati tae yer heid ya bam
He's Mistra President
He's a fud, a fandan
He's the cheesy wotsit Hitler man
He's Mistra President
You can piss on his bed
Or shit in his laundry basket instead
He's Mistra Pissident
Must be seen
Making plans
He's the dumbest one with the smallest hands
He's Mistra President
Surely he cannot last two terms
One day he will be food for worms
But when they feast on his remains
They'll be hard pushed to find his brains oh oh
Any place
He will play
His only concern is how much you'll pay
He's Mistra President
If he shakes
On a bet
He's the kind of dude that won't pay his debt
He's Mistra President
When you say that he's living wrong
He'll tell you he knows he's livin' right
And you'd be a stronger man
if you took Mistra President's advice oh oh
He's a man
with a ban
Got a crush on his daughter and a tan
He's Mistra President
What a jerk
Please beware
Of a man that just don't give a care no
He's Mistra President (Look out he's coming)
He's a fright
Woven hairs
He's even scared of walking downstairs
He's Mistra President
Theresa May led the way
Cos you can't even take baby steps - fucksake
He's Mistra President
Playin' hard
Talkin' fast
Makin' sure that he will be the last
He's Mistra President
Makes a deal
With a frown
Somewhere a circus is missing a clown
He's Mistra President
If we had less of him
Don't you know we'd have a better land
He's Mistra President
So give a hand to the man
Because he needs an extension
He's Mistra President
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9. |
Alsatian Strangulation
01:08
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Long distance information give me Michael Heseltine
We have a situation where my dog's not feeling fine
Alsatian Strangulation is the human way
To put him out his misery and send him on his way
I know the Tory party kill the poor with a smile
I watched Margaret Thatcher suffocate a crocodile
But if it's canine choking, Tarzan is your man
He has got the cheese wire and he's got a cunning plan
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10. |
Wobbly Rocket
01:33
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I got a wobbly rocket and I'm firing from Faslane
I got a wobbly rocket and I'm gonna be renewed again
I give good warhead, but I've got a lousy aim
And now the finger on the trigger is Trump amd May
I got a wobbly rocket - it's strident and upscaled
I got a wobbly rocket - it's tried and tested. Failed
The rocket's worth a packet, what a fucking mare
It disnae work but no-one fucking cares
I got a wobbly rocket
I got a wobbly rocket
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11. |
Delete! Delete! Delete!
01:12
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Delete, delete, delete - my ears are ringing
I tried to be discreet but failed
The basket of deplorables are winning
Half my tweets are being jailed
I think I'm being witty but I shite it
My diplomatic skills are Strictly wank
I can't help getting over-excited
I prefer a buffalo or tank
Oh what can you do
When you've had a few
You feel like Oscar Wilde
Oh Ruth, Ruth, Ruth
You can't handle the truth
You have to appease her
Motherfucking Theresa
Delete, delete, delete!
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12. |
Closer
01:14
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It's closer than it's ever been
And now it's even closer
And now it's even closer
And now it's even closer
It's closer than it's ever been
And now it's even closer
And now it's closer still
Time is marching on
And time is still marching on
It's likelier than it ever was
And now it is more likely
And now it is more likely
And now it is more likely
It's likelier than it's ever been
And now it is more likely
And now it's likelier
Indy Ref 2
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13. |
No To Joy
00:46
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So farewell United Kingdom
You have left us with no choice
Pushed the Bill through - no amendments
Clearly Scotland has no voice
The real fight starts now, so says Corbyn
Handing Theresa a blank cheque
Rolling over like a puppy with a jackboot on his neck
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14. |
My Cuckoo Queue
01:17
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Queue, queue for the E.U.
That's what they said we'll have to do
But now we know it just isn't true
No need to queue for the E.U.
Andrew, I am the news (He is the news!)
He's got a bad case of the unionist blues
He doesn't know the difference between a list and a queue
Andre Neil - I am the news
Oh Andrew, Andrew, I am the news
Like Freddie Flintstone in a pair of tartan trews
Andrew, Andrew, I am the news
Yabadabadabdabadoo
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15. |
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My sister in law's ex husband's nephew, we love you
My sister in law's ex husband's nephew, we do
Though you may be far away
We think of you
There's no one quite like my sister in law's ex husband's nephew
I know you will agree
That he always is a friend to you
And he's a friend to me
There's no one quite like my sister in law's ex husband's nephew
He's at Pembroke College Cambridge
I've sent him £20 in a birthday card
I hope he doesn't burn it in front of a homeless
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16. |
Silly Nob Gags
01:46
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You'd think that people would have had enough of silly nob gags
I look around me and I see it isn't so
Some people want to fill the world with silly nob gags
And what's wrong with that?
I'd like to know
'Cause here I go again
A penis, a penis
The greatest gift I possess
Love doesn't come in a minute
Sometimes it doesn't come at all
I only know that there's a limit
To what happiness can come between us and it won't stand up in court
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17. |
Compulsive Liar
02:48
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I flew into space
With Ant and Dec and Chevvy Chase
I was in a film with Ross from Friends
I am the Queen at the weekends
I'm Paul Nuttall, compulsive liar
My trousers, pants, socks
And vest are on fire
I'm related to Rabbie Burns
And Danny Dyer
And I wrote The Wire
I had a golden shower
from Austin and Stephanie Powers
I was King of Mexico
Thor, god of thunder, willed it so
I'm Paul Nuttall, compulsive liar
My trousers, pants, socks
And vest are on fire
I'm related to Rabbie Burns
And Danny Dyer
And I wrote The Wire
I saved the life
Of Mr Spock and his wife
I am made of bionic parts
And world champion of Darts
I had a secret affair with the Nolan Sisters
Invented Windows NT, XP and Vista
I was with Chaka
Demus and Pliers
In the Viennese Choir
I taught Alistair Carmichael everything he knows
I built an extension to Pinnochio's nose
I know Gordon Burns,
George Alagiah
And Barry Cryer
I gave Prometheus
The gift of fire
The gift of fire
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18. |
Uranium
03:31
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Reality stars directing our fate
and we're praying it's not too late
Uranium
Raving psychosis and whispering kittens
Bright orange coupon and Mexican mittens
You all know what uranium is
Nuclear weapons and other bad things
Bad dudes and hombres and soft British poodles
Nuclear passwords in Sean Spicer doodles
Wild tweets that fly with fire on their wings
These are a few of my favourite things
Girls in white dresses and fluffy new fascists
Snowflakes that flutter their pussies and lashes
Sparkling teeth and fine tuned machines
These are a few of my favourite things
CNN's shite
BBC's pish
Overrated. Sad
I'm simple remember and, er, other things
And everyone else is bad
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19. |
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There's a good old Scottish custom that has stood the test o'time,
It's a custom that's been carried out in every land and clime.
When ever there's some weather, it's aye the usual thing,
Just before it hits our shores, we fill our cups and sing...
Chorus
Just a wee storm called Doris, just a wee storm, that's all.
It couldnae even blow away a blowaway fitba.
There's a trampoline that's sittin by a wee but an ben.
That says, "I survived Hurricane Bawbag."
Did ye, aye? Right, then.
I wish I was a prog rocker with powder up my nose
I'd write a concept album called When The Bawbag Blows
I'd turn it into an opera and sail it round the world
I wouldnae let a bit of wind stop it being unfurled
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20. |
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If the wind is blowing, and it's usually blowing here
Never ending or it's pishing doon just like in King Lear
Or it's snowing on the mountains, on the ptarmigans and wildcats
Ptarmigan is a song by The Clash - everyone knows that
It goes 'Ptarmigan', but that's beside the point
The thing is nature lovers think these windfarms are unkind
Cos they're bird-chopping eco crucifixes of your mind!
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Tommy Mackay Edinburgh, UK
Scottish comedy performer and editor of The Daily Reckless - the paper that sings the news.
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